I Walk Alone
by Nate Grey
Summary: To save Meryl & Millie from Legato, Vash broke his code. Now, he must ensure that he never has to do it again...
1. Default Chapter

Note: My first Trigun fanfic.  No couples, but hints of Vash/Meryl here and there.  Set after the infamous episode "Sin."  This will make MUCH more sense if you read the companion piece, "Saint Sinner", immediately afterwards (for what's going through Vash's head at the time).

Summary: By killing Legato to save Meryl & Millie, Vash has broken his code.  To restore his oath to Rem, he must make a difficult choice…

Warning: Disturbing (suicidal) images within.

I Walk Alone

A Trigun Fanfiction by:

Nate Grey

XMAN0123@aol.com

He had not spoken since Legato's death.

That in itself was not quite unusual; Vash had lapsed into quiet spells frequently the whole time she'd known him.  

Meryl had decided months ago that Vash the Stampede only had three faces:

"Mr. Vash" – the goofy, donut-gulping moron that no one could seem to hate for very long.

The Typhoon – the unstoppable, unreadable gunslinger that resembled his name in every way…save that he would not take a life.

The Humanoid – the silent, guilt-trodden man that cried for the smallest loss at the drop of a hat.

For the last few days, there had been an odd and frightening mix of the Humanoid Typhoon: odd because his silent spells never lasted this long, and frightening because it looked as if he might stay that way.

Ironically, Meryl knew that it was her own—and Millie's—fault for insisting on following him.  The thought had never stopped crossing her mind, especially when Vash now refused to look at them.  Had they just stayed away liked he'd asked and pleaded, perhaps none of this would've ever happened.

Legato's mind-controlled crowd of villagers never would've found the two of them.

Vash wouldn't have been forced to kill Legato to save them.

Vash wouldn't have broken his code: never to kill, no matter what.

But he had, and it was all the fault of the girls.  If only they had stayed away…

They had not, and it had taken the Humanoid Typhoon to save them.  But he had taken Legato's life, and that was something that Vash could not and would not accept.  It was just a question of what he would do now, and when he would do it.  

* * * * *

The day drew to a close the way the last few had.

Meryl was standing off to the side, watching Millie beg Vash to say anything, to just look at her.

There was no response.  Vash acted as if he was the only one there…and even then, he didn't seem to accept that he himself was there.  He did nothing but stare into the space in front of him, and when Millie tried to put her face there, he quickly turned away.

His eyes were a dull, lifeless green.  Not the sparkling, happy green reflecting a full bag of donuts, or the sharp, piercing green knifing through a wrongdoer.

Meryl had had enough.  She understood that Vash was probably deeply traumatized by having to finally kill someone directly, but this childish act was really getting on her nerves now.  Stifling an angry growl, she stomped over to them, determined to give him a piece of her mind.

He rose just before she could reach him and crossed the empty street, stopping on the porch of the jailhouse.

"Meryl," he said softly, pausing for exactly three seconds before he vanished inside.

Somehow, she understood what he was asking of her.  "Stay out here, Millie."

Millie turned to her, clearly confused.  "What?  But I-"

"Millie," Meryl said firmly, leaving no room for argument.  "I'm not asking you."

The taller woman flinched at Meryl's expression, but finally nodded and stepped back.

Meryl swallowed noisily and walked into the jailhouse, not quite sure what to expect.  Vash had never ceased to surprise her, no matter what the situation.  Part of her wanted to demand some sort of explanation for his cold treatment of her and Millie, but she chalked that up to wishful thinking.  She just didn't think Vash had chosen now to suddenly overflow with answers.  Not after what he'd just done, anyway.

She found him in the very last cell, staring at the wall.  It was fairly dark, but she could make out his spiky blonde hair and the outline of his red coat.  "So I guess you feel like talking now?" she snapped, unable to contain her bitterness.

"I broke a promise.  The most important promise I ever made."  

"You did the right thing, Vash," Meryl replied.  "You killed a man who would've killed us…and you."

"It doesn't matter if I die," he said, turning to face her.  "But I told you to stay away from me.  You didn't listen.  You NEVER listen…"

"We have a job to do, and-"

"You're going to get killed following me around," Vash interrupted.  "Or you're going to get ME killed, before I can do what I have to do.  And if I get killed, it's only a matter of time before…he kills you, too."

Meryl glared at him.  "Look, it wasn't our fault!  If you had let us help you--!"

"Then YOU would've been the ones Legato had shooting at me, instead of that mob."  Vash turned away again, but not before she caught what had to be the start of tears in his eyes.  "He would've ordered you to kill me…and you would've done it, too.  I couldn't kill you or Millie…not even to stop you from killing me."

"And you STILL would've had to kill him, Vash!" she shouted at his back.

"You just don't know," he whispered sadly.  "You don't realize how strong Legato was.  If he wanted, he could've had you and Millie kill each other right before my eyes, in the split second it would've taken me to shoot him.  It if it had come to that, I never would've been able to forgive myself.  I've gotten too many people killed as it is, and I refuse to add you two to that list, ever."

"Vash, you won't have to!  We're fine, and we can take care of ourselves!"

"Only if you stop following me."  He turned and drew his gun.

Meryl's eyes widened in surprise, and then disbelief.  "What are you doing?"

Vash pointed the gun at her head.  "You have to stop this, Meryl.  If you won't…I will."

"You wouldn't dare," she said after a moment, stepping closer.  She could see the sweat pouring down his face as he blinked, trying to keep his arm from shaking.

"I…I'll do it," he swore.  "I care about you too much to lose you any other way, Meryl.  If I have to do it myself…I swear I will, right now."

"No.  You care about me—everyone—too much to do it."  Meryl placed her hands on his arm.  "Put the gun down, Vash.  You won't—can't—shoot me."

"Maybe not.  But there's one person I hate more than Legato, and I can kill him."  With that, Vash turned the gun in his hands and pushed the barrel into his mouth.

"Vash!  Stop it!"  Meryl tried to pull the gun away, but his arm and grip had become like steel, and she could not budge him or the weapon.

He closed his eyes and tightened his grip, his finger resting on the trigger.

"VASH!  PLEASE DON'T!" she screamed tearfully, tugging as hard as she could.

The finger slowly began to pull the trigger.

Meryl did the only thing she thought would stop him.  She threw her arms around his neck, pressed her lips to his ear, and whispered.  "You can't do this, Vash…because I love you too much to lose you…"

The finger stopped, and his eyes slowly opened.  After a moment, he pulled the gun from his mouth.

Meryl broke down, clinging to him helplessly as she sobbed into his chest.

Vash wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her head.  "I love you, too, Meryl."  He sank down to the floor with her, murmuring softly in her ear.  

"You…you really would've done it," she choked out.

"I've caused so much pain.  Too much to ever atone for.  It's my fault that nearly everyone who comes close to me ends up dead."  He stroked her hair gently.  "You don't know what it's like.  To walk the world, knowing you're nothing an endless plague.  It's horrible, Meryl."

"But you're not," she whispered, raising her eyes to his.  "You're a wonderful man…"

"I'm not a wonderful anything.  I'm not a man.  I'm nothing but an inhuman monster."    

"No!" she cried, shaking him.  "You're not…"

He shook his head, unable to look at her.  "Yes, I am.  Only a monster could do what I'm about to."

Even with that warning, Merle had no time to react. 

The next thing she knew, he'd slammed her hard against the wall.  Through the sudden, intense pain, she was only vaguely aware of the cold, steel manacles clamping shut on her wrists.

"It's for your own good, Meryl," Vash said quietly, that emotionless gaze focused solely on her.  He bent down to repeat the process with her ankles, faster than she'd thought even possible for him.

"What…you can't!" she cried, still recovering from the shock.  "You…you said you loved me…"

He stared at her sadly.  "That's why I'm doing this.  If I can't scare you into staying safe, I'll just have to force you into it."  With that, he turned away from her.

Meryl stared at his retreating back, before raising her voice and shouting for her partner.  "Millie!  MILLIE!!!  YOU'VE GOT TO STOP VASH!!!"

Even as Vash stepped off the porch and out of her view, Meryl could hear the heavy thud of Millie's stun gun hitting the dirt.  After that, there was nothing but the sound of the desert wind blowing.

End Notes: 

Sorry.  I just got SO mad when Meryl & Millie followed Vash after he told them not to.  Maybe that's unreasonable, but if you haven't got sense enough to come in out of the rain…  But "Saint Sinner" puts things in a much clearer perspective, trust me.

I guess you could make a case for Vash/Meryl here, but it's all in how you interpret their feelings for each other.  I know why people think they're valid, since Meryl starts off hating Vash and gradually comes to see him for the good man he is.  That doesn't mean she thinks he's a good man for HER, though.

As for why Meryl said she loved Vash, you could argue she only did it to stop him from killing himself.  He wasn't REALLY going to, of course, but she didn't know that.

As for why Vash said he loved Meryl…well, he obviously cares about her, he broke his code for her and Millie…I don't think he wants her (or Millie) barefoot and pregnant or anything, though.  Vash likes kids, but I don't see him as a family man.  Could he even have kids…?


	2. Saint Sinner

Notes: The name for this came from a TV series by…Clive Barker, I think.  It certainly wasn't a futuristic western, but I think the name fits perfectly, anyway.

Warning: You should read "I Walk Alone" first for a better idea of what's going on here.  You should also watch out for a certain somebody's sadistic sense of humor (thinking rape is fun, for example).

Summary: A look into Vash's head during "I Walk Alone."

Saint Sinner

A Trigun Fanfiction by:

Nate Grey

XMAN0123@aol.com

He had not spoken since Legato's death.

But that was because he'd been mostly listening.

Odd, how dead men weren't supposed to tell tales, and yet these two couldn't or wouldn't shut up.  

Well.  Only one of them was currently dead, and Vash had a feeling the other would be soon, too.

"…so the guy throws his hands up and says, 'I surrender!' all loud so everyone can hear him, but I take one step forward, and I'm still dodging bullets!  Turns out the dirty sneak had his kid stuffed inside his coat.  Course, I didn't find that out until after I shot him…them."

Vash blinked.  On second thought, maybe he'd just kill himself and save the angels the trouble.

"What a shock," remarked the one in black with a sadistic smirk.  "Yet another of your stories ends in pointless bloodshed.  Are you sure you're on the right side?"

The one in white scowled at him.  "Don't make me come over there, buddy."

"Oh, that's right.  PLEASE don't hurt me, other half of little Vashie's conscience.  We'll probably give him a splitting headache, if we're lucky."

"He's not a kid anymore," the light one grunted, lighting a cigarette.  "Time you realized that."

"Oh, he'll always be a kid brother to me," the dark one insisted.  "Silly, foolish, innocent Vashie."

"He can HEAR us, you know."

"Oh, I know," he chuckled.  "I've always known…"

* * * * *

There probably something not right in his head, Vash knew as he stepped onto the porch of the jailhouse.  Wolfwood was definitely dead, but Knives definitely wasn't.  By all rights, only the priest's voice should've been present in his mind.  

But then, that was a lie.  Knives had always had a voice in his thoughts, even when they were children.  To be surprised that he was still there now would be foolish.

Their arguing was starting to get on his nerves, though.  Wolfwood kept insisting that Vash was a good man, and Knives kept calmly restating that Vash was ultimately a dead man walking, among other things.

The sad thing was that Vash agreed with him, to a point.  It was no wonder people called him the Humanoid Typhoon.  Everywhere he went, a trail of death and destruction followed.  It was only natural that people began to blame him.  He was responsible, if only indirectly in some cases.  He was a walking unnatural disaster, a plague upon humanity.  How could he ever have claimed to be their savior?

A few days ago, he'd nearly gotten the girls killed.  Yes, it was Legato that ordered them to be killed, but he was only involved to hurt Vash.  In that moment, Vash finally realized that his life had never been and would never be simple.  He would either have to break his promise to Rem, or watch two innocent girls that he cared about die.

In the end, he'd had to admit that Rem was dead, but that Meryl & Millie weren't…yet.  So he had broken his promise to her, hoping she might one day forgive him.  Rem was that kind of person after all, to forgive people when they did something wrong.  She might even have forgiven Knives by now…

* * * * *

"I don't like this," Wolfwood muttered as Vash stepped into the cell.  "Something's wrong."

"We've finally driven him crazy," Knives said with a bit of glee in his voice.

"Shut up, you."  Wolfwood dropped his cigarette and stepped on it.  "Hey, Vash.  What are you up to?"

Vash ignored his friend.  He had to do this.

"Vash?  Vash???"

"We've been followed," Knives noted as Meryl entered the cell.  He perked up a bit.  "Hey, maybe he'll finally get some!"

Wolfwood rolled his eyes.  "With HER?  You ARE insane!  He's got a better chance with Millie!"

"I thought she was yours?" Knives asked with a grin.

"…even so, he's STILL got a better chance with her."

Knives sighed.  "Well, I wasn't planning on suggesting he just ASK her."

"What are you…"  Wolfwood trailed off as he looked Knives in the face.  "Oh, you sick bastard, you."

"What?!  It could be fun!  It's not like he has any experience!"

"You are so LUCKY I can't kill you!" Wolfwood shouted.

"What, and you NEVER thought about doing her?"

"NO!" he screamed.

"What about Millie, huh?"

"…not like THIS!" Wolfwood insisted after a second's thought.

"I thought so.  For a priest, you have a dirty mind.  I knew I'd like you."

"Never say that again," the priest growled in a threatening tone.

They both stopped arguing as Vash drew his gun and pointed at Meryl.

"…okay, I didn't see THAT coming," Knives admitted.  He sighed.  "There goes our fun."

"Would you shut up about that?!  Vash would never do that to anyone!"

"Anyone?  Don't tell me he's gay?"

Wolfwood paused.  "What if he was?"

Knives shrugged, looking thoughtful.  "Maybe he's bi?" he asked hopefully.

"…you know, with you in his head, I'm surprised he hasn't tried to rape himself.  Because YOU are one fucked up half of a conscience."

"You say the sweetest things."  Knives suddenly let out a high-pitched laugh.  "I knew it!  He's going to do us all in!"

"What?!"  Wolfwood finally noticed that Vash had put the gun in his own mouth.  "Dammit, Vash!  Not in front of her!" he sighed angrily, noticing the terrified look in Meryl's eyes.

Knives waved away his concern.  "Oh, relax.  He won't do it.  He doesn't have the guts.  Never did."

"How would YOU know?"

"He's not going to shoot himself.  After all, who would try to stop ME?  The girls?"  He paused and smiled.  "Now THAT could be a lot of fun…"

"How do you keep from strangling yourself?  I have to know," Wolfwood spat.

"See, look," Knives grumbled as Vash put the gun away.  "Total coward.  No balls at all."

"You do know we'd all die if he shot himself in the head."

"Are you THAT clueless?  We're just acting as a temporary conscience.  You're already dead, and when Vash dies, I'll just go back to my body in a REALLY good mood."

Wolfwood started to say something, but stopped asVash threw Meryl against the wall.

Maybe there's hope for him yet," Knives said approvingly.

"Oh, shut the hell up."

"Oooh, hey!  Shackles!  Kinky!"

Wolfwood sighed as Vash chained Meryl to the wall.  "You've finally driven him completely mad."

"Maybe he was listening to my idea before?" Knives said hopefully.

The priest turned green.  "I really hope not."  He sighed in relief as Vash turned and started out of the jailhouse.

"Chicken," Knives muttered.  "Told you he had no balls."

Vash stepped off the porch to see Millie coming straight at him.  There was regret in her eyes, but her face was set in a determined scowl as she ran at him.

"Go, big girl," Knives chuckled.

Vash backed up slightly and drove his fist into her stomach.

Millie folded over his arm and collapsed, her stun gun landing heavily on the ground beside her.

"Damn.  Can't believe he hit her," Knives said, noting Wolfwood was red with rage.  "Me, I would've just shot her in the head.  But not hit her."

"He…pulled his punch," Wolfwood said through clenched teeth.  "She'll be out for hours."

"And he'll be long gone without a trace."  Knives sighed.  "Guess I better prepare another spot for dinner.  Later, priest."

Wolfwood said nothing as Knives vanished.  Vash walked a little taller after that, though, more purpose in his strides than before.  He seemed surprisingly calm for a man that was out to kill his only brother.  

"Oh, Vash," Wolfwood whispered sadly, shaking his head.  "What has this world done to you?  What has HE done to you?"

As if in reply, Vash said softly, "From this day forth, I walk alone."

When he slowly felt himself fading away, Wolfwood was forced to agree.  "Farewell, Vash the Stampede."  The last thing his eyes caught was the light glinting off the huge cross Vash carried on his back.  "Keep the faith."

The End.

I know, probably doesn't make much sense.  But it was interesting to write, at least…


End file.
